Caller: “Jessica, Stephanie has passed away.”
Me: “I’m sorry. I don’t know what you mean.”
Caller: “Jessica, Stephanie is dead.”
At that very moment, I think all of life stood still. Every single noise in the room seemed to be on blast! My heart sank deep into my stomach. I began to feel dizzy and was consumed with nausea. All I kept saying to myself was, “I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I didn’t even get to say goodbye.” Grief was coming in like a flood. It literally consumed my mind, body, and soul.
This just couldn’t be. I PRAYED. I FASTED. I PRAYED. I FASTED. I had everyone that I could literally think of praying for her across the country. Was God not seeing and hearing? Why would He allow something like this to happen; to take place? Why did He not stop death right in its track? He has ALL Power in His hands, right? Over the last year, He had shown up in His power and performed many miracles, signs, and wonders in the life of Stephanie! Somebody please tell me where God is now! He’d brought her back from death’s door on several occasions. Why was this time so different? Why Lord, why? Why Stephanie? 36, married, three kids, family and friends that absolutely loved her..! I found out that day that love was not enough to keep her.
As days, weeks, and months passed by, I became the definition of BITTER. I was livid that Stephanie died. Stephanie is dead. (Those words still send chills through my body. ) I was angry at anyone who was once connected to Stephanie. I felt as though there was much more they should have done. We had failed at keeping her alive. (Boy oh boy was I thinking crazy!)
One day while driving down the street, the Holy Spirit spoke to my spirit in a still small voice: “You are not angry with them, you are disappointed in Me.” I immediately pulled my car over with tears rolling down my face. I said, “Lord, I am not angry with You. I am not disappointed in You.” He immediately spoke to my spirit and said, “You are disappointed that I did not deliver Stephanie the way that you wanted Me to deliver her. I, too, have been disappointed and I know how sorrow feels.”
All this time, grief had been controlling me. Grief had literally crippled me. It robbed me of living! Grief became my master! Stephanie died from Stage IV Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I saw her serve God in her deepest physical pain. I saw her serve God when the odors from her tumor consumed the entire sanctuary and people turned their noses up at her. Stephanie had a “press-on” mentality! She left on record what it meant to serve God no matter what!
Here are 3 Steps to take to take while grieving:
- Grieve, but don’t stay there! No one can tell you how to grieve and what is an acceptable time limit to grieve.
- SEEK GOD! He is a very present help in the time of trouble! I wasted too much time trying to heal on my own. God can heal you!
- Move on. Your loved one would not want you to suffering in silence over their departure.
Earth truly has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal. I know that now. I’m healed.