A few weeks old, you filled me with joy.
Fun guesses: will you be a girl or a boy?
Excitement, giddy with thoughts of you.
A blessing for us, full of life anew.
An answer to prayer, cause to celebrate,
Time to prepare, for this wonder so great.
Yet the moment was fleeting, happiness so real.
The sudden turn left feelings unexpected to feel.
I knew you, I felt you, you were mine from day one.
It doesn’t seem fair. Life hadn’t even begun.
As I fight the tears, through gripping pain,
Some days I can’t move, others I sustain.
My heart is broken, only God can heal.
Thank Him for His presence; I know He is real.
This too shall pass though hurt I won’t deny.
As I say to my precious little one gone too soon, Goodbye.
I wrote that poem right after I suffered my second miscarriage. “Devastated” is not comprehensive enough to describe how I felt at the time. It was a very difficult thing to go through. That baby was as real to me the moment I learned I was pregnant, as if s/he’d been born. And since I’d had experience with the first miscarriage, I knew the steps to take to help myself overcome this traumatic situation.
- Let myself feel. As Christians we so often want to always put on a happy face. It’s as if being a Christian somehow gives us superpowers against being a human being and having feelings. God gave us emotions for a reason. The key is to not be controlled by them. As Luke 21:19 states, “By your patience possess your souls.” (NKJV).
- Be real about where you are. Don’t mistake “being real” with encouragement to lull around in your sorrow. Rather, see it as recognition of the painful event you’ve been through. It’s impossible to move forward and ultimately be victorious again, if you’re unable to acknowledge your situation. Having transparency with God and with yourself will allow you to begin the healing process.
- Decide what you want to do about it. What do you want your reaction to be to the trauma? For me, I wanted to still enjoy my family and the beautiful children God had blessed already me with. So while I gave myself the freedom to feel through the episode, I knew my ultimate desire was to move forward from it. I understood that moving on wouldn’t be instantaneous. However, I knew I had to start somewhere.
- Engulf yourself in the Word of God. For me, this part did not come right away. In fact, there were several days I didn’t want to pray or even talk to God. But I realized that apart from God, there would be no moving forward. I couldn’t do it without Him and I knew it. I just said, “God, help! I need You.” And He was right there, as He’d been the whole time.
- Seek support from others. I was blown away to find out how many other women had suffered through miscarriages. I was able to see that my feelings were normal. They were valid. And I was not alone.
- Laugh! I grabbed episodes of my favorite sitcom, some snacks, and watched an all-day marathon. A merry heart really does good like a medicine (Proverbs 17:22 NKJV)! I felt tension released and was able to better deal with the situation.
Through this journey, I was able to achieve victory. That doesn’t mean I don’t have difficult days. It means I am able to rest in knowing what’s happened, I can move forward from it, and still look to God as my source and my strength.